Gone Forever
by Kagenoyuushi
Summary: Skwisgaar is fine with Toki being gone. Really.


_Don't know what's going on_

_Don't know what went wrong_

_Feels like a hundred years I_

_Still can't believe you're gone  
So I'll stay up all night  
With these bloodshot eyes  
While these walls surround me with the story of our life_

Skwisgaar hadn't slept properly since Toki was taken away. Not that he ever got truly quality sleep, but this was a hundred times worse than his normal sleeping pattern. He would hit the sheets after drinking more than he thought possible and just lie there, staring up at the ceiling, where shafts of moonlight would slowly creep across the room as the night passed. He took to dosing himself with sleeping pills in an effort to quiet his buzzing mind, but found he simply laid there, now with a fog enshrouding his brain.

_I feel so much better  
Now that you're gone forever  
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all  
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now  
That you're gone forever_

No one talked about Toki. It was like he had never even stalked the corridors of Mordhaus. No one talked about writing new music, or touring, either. Everything seemed to exist in a state of suspension. Everyone cordoned themselves off, talking only when it was absolutely necessary, not talking when it wasn't. Pickles had turned back to heroin, and Murderface was cutting himself all the time, as evidenced by his newfound habit of wearing longsleeved shirts and long pants. Nobody knew how Nathan was affected, because he had never been one to express feelings, even through inadvertent actions such as changing his behavior without being aware.

Skwisgaar didn't need a second-rate guitarist taking away from his fame and glory. It should have been so much easier to write new music without Toki distracting him about stupid model airplanes, and candy, and whatever else tickled the Norwegian's fancy, but even picking up the guitar became an unbearably difficult chore that Skwisgaar was slowly come to abhor.

_Now things are coming clear  
And I don't need you here  
And in this world around me  
I'm glad you disappeared  
So I'll stay out all night  
Get drunk and fuck n' fight  
Until the morning comes I'll  
Forget about our life_

Skwisgaar hadn't fucked in two whole weeks. One evening, when a group of skanks had been brought in for him by a nameless Klokateer, he couldn't get hard, no matter what the women did for him. He dismissed them with a nasty comment about how they weren't hot enough to turn him on, but that hadn't been the case. They had been just his type: older, heavy, experienced. That night he smashed everything in his room that could be smashed, with his guitar, and stormed out of the haus, into the darkness of the grounds.

_I feel so much better  
Now that you're gone forever  
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all  
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now  
That you're gone forever_

It was that stupid dildo's own fault for getting close to Magnus. Skwisgaar, and everyone else, had warned him at least once about Magnus being dangerous. Why didn't Toki listen to them before any of this shit happened?

_First time you screamed at me  
I should have made you leave  
I should have known it could be so much better  
I hope you're missing me  
I hope I've made you see  
That I'm gone forever_

That book, Skwisgaar reminded himself. That book was full of horrible things about the lead guitarist. Most of it had been true, but Toki had embellished on some of the stories, making Skwisgaar look like a huge asshole. But… then Toki had a heart attack from the stress, onstage at the Ice Festival, and, for a second, no amount of anger Skwisgaar could feel for the book mattered anymore. When it seemed like Toki might slip away from him...

Skwisgaar cried for the first time exactly one month and four days after Toki had been taken.

_And now it's coming clear  
That I don't need you here  
And in this world around me  
I'm glad you disappeared_

He hadn't bathed in a week, had barely stepped out of his room, except to eat maybe once every two days. His guitar had been replaced after he smashed it, and now it sat in the corner of his room, mocking him for his inability to touch it. He threw up nearly every morning now, the bile rising in his throat as soon as his eyes opened to another morning knowing that he didn't know where Toki was… whether he was still alive.

Charles eventually stationed a Klokateer to stand just inside his door, to keep watch on him… just in case.

_I feel so much better  
Now that you're gone forever  
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all  
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now  
That you're gone forever  
And now you're gone forever  
And now you're gone forever_

It had been a year since he had last seen Toki. Charles had to eventually call off the search and had had the difficult discussion with Nathan and the others about finding a new guitarist. Skwisgaar saw every potential new bandmate, but dismissed all of them after they played one or two chords. There would never be another Toki Wartooth. And, as far as Skwisgaar was concerned, Dethklok may as well die, too.


End file.
